Anxiety. Something that everyone will go through at some point in their lives. But for some it is overwhelmingly the worst part of their daily life. That’s what it’s like for me. I think to start with I never really realised that it was anxiety that I experience, I always saw it as me being a ‘worrier’ or a ‘stress head’. I think it’s only been in the last couple of years that I’ve been able to pick out my anxieties and realise that this is what it is. Every day something can set me off, I get this deep feeling of doubt and panic, a sudden feeling of sickness and a lump in my throat.My mind instantly tries to shut it off, pretending that it’s not happening which then causes the tears to come or I instantly become introverted and overwhelmed with worry. Today it’s the feeling of going to work. I laid awake this morning in the state of anxiety because of a simple thing like starting my new job. Today will be my second shift and I feel the all too familiar signs, my whole body shaking and my mind trying to overcome the fear. I am sure that everyone will feel like this at times, especially when starting a new job, but mine can be set off by the smallest things. I remember my boyfriend becoming confused when I started to panic that I had a few spots on my face when I was going round his father’s for a meal. I remember him telling me that it’s silly to be anxious about that when I had stopped the car in a car park down the road from his father’s house. But anxiety doesn’t warn you when it’s coming, it comes and hits you like a blast in your face when you least expect it. I get a feeling of fear, panic, horror, upset, pain, I have no feeling of being able to look to the future past the anxious attack. It can be brought on by irrational things. Anxiety is irrational.
And although the anxiety can come each day, I have learned how to live and how to try to minimise the effects it has. I could quite easily call up and not go into work today, but then that would mean that the anxiety wins. I know that I am better than it, and although I have these insecure feelings now, I know that it will pass and I will get through it. I have before so it won’t stop me now. I am able to plan things for the future because I know that I am strong enough (and stubborn enough.. haha) to not let it get in the way and to push past it. I will go through times when my anxiety is at a high.. particularly when I am extremely stressed in my life.. but I know myself well enough to be able to understand when it is at it’s highest and to find ways to deal with it. Deal with it by pushing through it.
I always thought that my anxiety was just a part of me and that it had no cause or reason. However, I have now begun to realise that it is linked to my own self-concept and my own self-esteem. I am aware that I get anxious in situations when I am feeling inferior or I have low self-esteem about my ability to do something. Today I am feeling anxious because I am already feeling as though I will be bad at the job I have to do today. I am also more anxious when things are completely out of my control. Again, today is very unexpected and I have no idea how to deal with some situations that I may be faced with. However, my rational mind is able to argue with the anxiety and help me understand that whatever will be.. will be. And that everything will always be alright in the end. If I live by that motto then I know that I can get through today.. and tomorrow.. and the next. Anxiety will continue to be part of my life, but it won’t take over my life.